Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
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me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
23. the denim jacket
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape