Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.

I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’

GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.

This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.

Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?

Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?

Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week

Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday

As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.

*a plane missed the runway

When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.

My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.

Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls

step 6: release the wall snake

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.

I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.

Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.

boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT

Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy

Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?

My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.

Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship

5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?

Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating

I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.

Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?

can you read it!!??

maan!

1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.

You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that

Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow