Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
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olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Me if I was a dog
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great