Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.

Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised

ME: my clothes are getting smaller

WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight

ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this

Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.

Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?

Quasimodo: I have a hunch.

Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

Me: can I get a breakfast burrito

Waiter: no breakfast after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs

Waiter: no eggs after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken

Waiter: sur—

Me: —pre born

This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.

Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha

Me: I don’t get it

Early bird: I do

Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?

“No thanks.”

Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…

“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”

My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.

Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.

My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?

Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.

sometimes i miss this memes

Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.

I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:

“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”

Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song

I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.

Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit

Me: Go to school!

9yr Old: It’s Sunday.

Me: Go to church!

9yr Old: I’m Jewish.

Me: Convert!

The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.

16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection

Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?

16: I’m sorry I tell you anything

Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity

Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.

Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.

Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.