“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
This could’ve been an email.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.