Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
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You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
“oh dude you’re gonna want to see this” i yell to my dog from the other room upon seeing 2 squirrels on a fence
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
if you give a mouse a fish, he’ll eat for a day
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.