if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
HELLO automatic flushing toilet!! I appreciate the enthusiasm but I really wasn’t finished
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Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Goal weight: “are you ok, you look sick”