this chia pet tastes awful
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Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex