@megfraser

HELLO automatic flushing toilet!! I appreciate the enthusiasm but I really wasn’t finished

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@EJGomez

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

@JohnLyonTweets

Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.

Disregard this if you are in prison.

@De_ja_vu_who

Deathbed confession

Me: We’re bankrupt

Him: What? How?

Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time

@I_Disdain

“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken

@therichards5

[looks at text from 2 days ago]

Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?

@missekay

The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.

@emceej

Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.

@mdob11

Goal weight: “are you ok, you look sick”