Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.
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*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
It was worth a shot 😂
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.