hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?
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Krampus.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer
…and send
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.