Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.

Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.

My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…

7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!

4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!

I want to meet the individual who made this

I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.

*kids running down the stairs*

DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”

Science memes

If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.

Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE

Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.

My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.

me: i can’t remember my password

my brain: how about an embarrassing memory

When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.

I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.

[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE

I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.

“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

TV Show Idea:

Speculation news.

A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.

The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.

[me, being murdered] agree to disagree

got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards

The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity

I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…

So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified

If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead

If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”

I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files