hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?
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I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)