Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
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Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
THE AUDACITY. 😤
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.