Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
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Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.