Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
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The booster protects against what, now?
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
going to bed
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
what the hell pray for carter everyone
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.