Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.

Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.

I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.

James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6

Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.

I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.

The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK

Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.

I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for

My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

[car dealership]

“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”

fred flintstone: i’ll take it!

For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.

Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?

me: hey big boy

friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that

The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.

There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.

I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.