“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
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nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.