“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
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I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
This is painfully accurate 😅
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Don’t frighten the programmers!
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.