Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me

Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.

Firing Squad:

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”

computer: choose new password

math teacher: algebra

computer: password must contain numbers

math teacher: algebraXY

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass

8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?

Me: Not since you were born.

{first date}

HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?

My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?

Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.

Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out

Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”

I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.

Today I burned spinach.

Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.

Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?

Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.

So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲

I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.

Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend

I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do

3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave

One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.

do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.

I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.

Is Mark short for something like Markathon?