Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
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Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.