Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
You Might Also Like
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet