“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
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Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.