“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
You Might Also Like
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.