Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*

Friend: When I said pet with the grain

Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.

getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.

I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…

I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.

“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*

will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.

I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”

When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.

Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”

Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*

Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit

Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.

..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.

Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?

if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it

*checks Timeline*…

[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?

[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.

Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.

I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?

becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer

Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.