HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
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Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
every single time
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”