“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
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NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
