Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

centipede: *trips*

*but for like, an hour*

It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.

me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.

my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?

When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult

My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.

For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.

everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have

I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.

ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life

EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography

Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.

[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]

Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.

6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?

Me:

Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.

Boss: why are your eyes red?

Me: I got shampoo in them

Boss: we’ve talked about this

Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes

Boss: mhm

Me: but you can’t deny this volume

Boss: oh I am painfully jealous

[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.

[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.

[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*

My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.

A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.

I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.

Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.

Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.

Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.

♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this

Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall

it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects

They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer

really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’

stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society

*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3

*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!

Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.