Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody:

My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.

The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.

[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger

[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”

I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one

Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.

Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t

me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious

All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons

Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.

If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering

I gave a co-worker my word today …

And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …

STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.

[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”

My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play

HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!

Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?

He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos

Veteran Parent Tip:

Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house

Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby

Case of beer: I have a boyfriend

Acronyms got me like WTF?