“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
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Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
let’s discuss
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”