Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
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Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
*watches the world burn*
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
This could be us but you eatin’
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.