Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
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shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with