Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
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why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?