Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
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Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.