@TheCatWhisprer

Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?

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@ShalyahEvans

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

@TheHyyyype

ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school

[later]

ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th

@ShesARealGenius

ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea

@KalvinMacleod

DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*

@ScienceMarchDC

People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!

@Mrs_JGplus3

My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”

………. she’s my 3rd kid.

@laurenreeves

I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

@GABBYdaAngSaya

[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is

@Fred_Delicious

Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎

Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”

@Laser_Cat

My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.