Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?

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A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”


Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu


Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”


Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.


Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.


Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.


Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.


I hate when I’m running away from monsters at the temple then crash into a tree and die because I wanted to collect all the gold.


Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.