@TheCatWhisprer

Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?

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@Kyle_Lippert

A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”

@sreekyshooter

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu

@sarcasticmommy4

Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”

@realrossnoble

Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.

@djdarrellripley

Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.

@Fickle_Filly

Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.

@BoomBoomBetty

Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.

@Muath_tu

I hate when I’m running away from monsters at the temple then crash into a tree and die because I wanted to collect all the gold.

@chelliet22

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.