Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
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If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.