“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
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Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Short story
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor