“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
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Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
The Friday File.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅