“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
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Grew big
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
YouTube will put 50 mins of ads on a 10 min video to get me to pay but I shan’t be defeated
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.