Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.

Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?

AI: 17.

Stages of helping your kids with a project:

1. Ok first off, when is it due?

2. Wait, WHAT??

It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range

I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed

We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.

Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.

**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.

Me:

Friend:

Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….

You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.

Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?

Because you can’t C in the dark.

My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉

“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”

If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.

[first day as a waiter]

Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.

Me: ME TOO.

I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.

I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”

I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.

[she comes home with a doggy bag]

Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*

Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?

Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?

6yo: A recorder.

Me: How about a pony instead?

Why he land on that little girl like that☠️

*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell

teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring

adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that

microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update