“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
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There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
For the ones in the back.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Some people were born into their job.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
no
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally