“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.

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There’s no I in anxiety. Wait. Yes there is. Oh my god oh my god oh my god


Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.


Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop


This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics


Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.


If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.


Jesus: Unless you become like children you will not enter heaven

*Gets hit by a water ballon*

Jesus: That’s not what I meant, Paul


[housefly pilot training]

Instructor: You encounter a window! What do you do?
X: Test the same 3 spots for weakness?
I: Repeatedly! Good.