@NicCageMatch

“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.

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@3nymph

[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]

@wife_housy

A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.

@daplusk

Teach your children about rejection by getting them a cat

@tylerschmall

*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”

@kumailn

Guys who are enemies of Putin seem to have the worst luck.

@JasonLastname

Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.

@BlindChow

[crime scene]

ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?

DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side

*rookie cop vomits*

@SteveSuckington

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength