“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.

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[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]


A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.


Teach your children about rejection by getting them a cat


*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”


Guys who are enemies of Putin seem to have the worst luck.


Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.


[crime scene]

ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?

DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side

*rookie cop vomits*


Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength