Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
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I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?
Genie: Stop saying it like that.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.