Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
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i can’t wait that long
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”