Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
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HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids