Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

[Family BBQ]

Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!

Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.

imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now

You excited to watch the Super Bowl?

“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”

[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]

I’M CRYINGGG

Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin

“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup

[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]

Extraordinary.

Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?

the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet

ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.

me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness

waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this

[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT

I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!

Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news

Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.

FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building

Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it

“it’s just like riding a bicycle”

Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most

“Sookie!”

-70% of True Blood dialogue

I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.

i’m so sick of this guy

The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had

Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.

RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.

I haven’t run out of receipt yet.

My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.

Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”

So close, kid. So. Close.

My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.