Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:

No.

My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.

What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.

you want me to attend a work meeting? the thing that killed Julius Caesar?

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis

where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh

i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul

Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”

Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”

It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts

Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.

I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE

I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.

I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.

I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”

NEW DRINKING GAME:

1) Put on the new Twilight movie

2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.

Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…

My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.

They irony of being hit by a Dodge.

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around

It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.

Therapist: what’s upsetting you?

Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly

Me: cry me a table, Linda

Has science gone too far?

MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi

Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen

My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.

Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.

Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.

Me: I did not.

Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.

Me: I’m not feeding you.

Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.