Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
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Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.