Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x

Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha

Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat

NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too

ME: Thoughts and bears

NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–

ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope

Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.

*uses falsetto voice*

MR. SMOOCHES!!

“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.

me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: did he just get in line

My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.

If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ

(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐

11: You take a lot of naps

Me: Well you weren’t using them

when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy

It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.

My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”

I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener

Amazon Review Guide

⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating

Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.

I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.

She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?

Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?

WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.

You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?

“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies

just leaving a message to let you know I got your text

– voicemails from my dad

babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?

I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…

Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied

*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?

Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want