Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.

what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.

Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”

I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.

Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.

Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.

Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.

Bride: [fuming]

Gandalf: [looks fabulous]

I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.

A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.

“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?

We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids

Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.

[Life after lockdown]

My Hairstylist: WTF

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.

Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?

Vampire: I don’t.

Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-

Vampire: also no.

It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me

My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate

Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”

If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.

Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.

Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.

I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.

Boss: “What companies are those?”

Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”

I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.

My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.

I support this random dude and all his protests