Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.

People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?

[Job interview]

Employer: please explain the gap on your resume

Me: what…they were hiring

Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.

I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”

My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.

My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?

wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen

Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”

Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”

Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.

I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.

I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need

attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon

I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David

my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself

This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font

My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂

I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that

Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.

“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.

I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.