Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.
Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.
Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.
Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.
Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Kids: Stay in school.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I hope you folks are recycling correctly
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
