Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
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me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
cause of death:
autopsy.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Did I do this right
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.