@kimtopher22

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

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@_ElvishPresley_

me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?

dentist: how are you talking out your nose

@Gupton68

No man left behind.

No stone left unturned.

No donut left uneaten.

@TheBoydP

The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…

@DanSpenser

A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.

@SCBamaMan

The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.

@AlishaRai

I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes

@Brampersandon_

Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn