Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
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Safe words are for quitters.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
me: i think i like this huge decorative rock
me: ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
4-year-old: what do you want ?
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.