@kimtopher22

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

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@UncleDuke1969

Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?

*goes home*

Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.

@BradBroaddus

My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.

@daemonic3

[home depot]

me: i think i like this huge decorative rock

her: boulder

me: ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

@laabruzzi

*bumpes into my ex on the street

*dials a number

Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!

@Nikkeya08

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

@TheAlexNevil

Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat

Schrödinger: Or do I?

@BunAndLeggings

[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!

@RobDenBleyker

I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.