Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

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me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?

dentist: how are you talking out your nose


No man left behind.

No stone left unturned.

No donut left uneaten.


The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…


A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.


The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.


I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes


Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn