me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
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No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
[Turns to stranger at McDonald’s]
So what you gonna get?
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
I’m at my most spiderman when using a public restroom
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.