@kimtopher22

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

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@ellle_em

Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough

@abbycohenwl

I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf

@skedaddle74

I know it’s not on any calendar but it’s “put on clean underwear” day.

You’re welcome.

@Mike_Bianchi

Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.

@shatterpants

If Kung Fu Panda taught me anything, it’s that obese people can be accepted…so long as they know kung fu.

@thatUPSdude

I’m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.

@LizHackett

Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.

@VaguelyFunnyDan

Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips

@TheAndrewNadeau

FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?

[at the same time]

HER: Frankenstein.

ME: Frosty the Snowman.