Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
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American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you