Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
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Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”