I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
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Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.