HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
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My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I don’t think my car can fly
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
🤣🤣🤣🤣
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.