Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can

Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.

Robin: I’m so excited!

*curtain opens*

Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…

Batman: You’re welcome.

Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.

Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder

* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!

Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl

[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.

Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon

[inventing jogging]

how can i suffer but with music

I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.

I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

“I’ll go when the cat gets up”

Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief

I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too

[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]

My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!

Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy

Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.

ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.

Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.

CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History

CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?

CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour

Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.

(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.

Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.