Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.

My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.

Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.

The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]

[two astronauts in space station]

“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows

But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?

– Food Trucks

If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.

Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.

4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.

“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew

boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full

If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”

The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”

[blood donor clinic]

dracula: can i order a pint please?

We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”

*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*

[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’

“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

(Inception)

Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?

me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*

No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.

I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.

Apparently they are called children.