Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When Corner House says something righteous and you just think

“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”

Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?

I love greens, but not in a sexual way

Platonic salads, so to speak

You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.

Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?

Okay, I’m still confused…

my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her

my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.

Source: grew up on a farm.

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.

Me: Why not?

Wife: Then we’d be in hell.

I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.

Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:

I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.

It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you

How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*

I like to take long walks away from stupid people

If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.

there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job

I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.

back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to

THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.

Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.

if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape

[ robbing grocery store ]

me: put the money in the bag

her: paper or plastic

Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?

i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain