“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
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People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I have so many questions.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
So how much budgie food do you actually want?…
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”