Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
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*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Quadruple digit IQ
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.