Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

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My pup has now chewed up 4 welcome mats and I’m beginning to think she’s more antisocial than I am.


(starts to scramble eggs)


(.0008 seconds later)

“Oh, ok.”


People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.


MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby

ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work


Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…


joe: siri address me as poopyhead
siri: okay poopyhead
*obama enters*
barack: joe have you seen my phone?
joe: yep here
*runs away giggling*


wife: what’d you do today

me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese


Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?


I want to grow my own food but I can’t seem to find any bacon seeds anywhere.