@ElleOhHell

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

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@One_FineMess

My pup has now chewed up 4 welcome mats and I’m beginning to think she’s more antisocial than I am.

@HatfieldAnne

(starts to scramble eggs)

“THESE YOLKS WON’T BREAK! THIS IS TAKING FOREVER!”

(.0008 seconds later)

“Oh, ok.”

@ThisOneSayz

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

@ArfMeasures

MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby

ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work

@TeejayRush

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…

@hippieswordfish

joe: siri address me as poopyhead
siri: okay poopyhead
*obama enters*
barack: joe have you seen my phone?
joe: yep here
*runs away giggling*

@BraandoCommando

wife: what’d you do today

me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese

@geekysteven

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

@JustinSayne722

I want to grow my own food but I can’t seem to find any bacon seeds anywhere.