Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
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Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.