Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: what seems to be the problem

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

doctor: go on

t-rex: because I’ve got little arms

doctor: get out

Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA

you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

[god creating worms]

WORM: Alright I’m a snake!

GOD: Well, no you—

WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?

GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy

ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager

BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what

Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.

In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money

Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently

Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?

Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.

Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.

Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.

Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.

I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.

An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.

I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.

Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.

🪶

I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right

[At the register]

“Find everything ok?”

“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”

HEY JALAPENOS!

Me doing the macarena dance

No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.

People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.

[Walking my chihuahua]

Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”

Me: “Sure. Go ahead”

*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers

Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”

Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”

9am: *starts diet*

2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*

NASA has no chill

A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream

why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait