HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
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Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Previously On Persistence 😎
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.