Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.

This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.

Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.

WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right

It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.

I don’t even know where that is.

In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.

Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”

dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do

Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse

John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice

Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-

John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE

“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.

robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT

robbers:

me: can you close the door

Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*

Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.

I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.

me: “why tf does my back hurt??”

also me:

“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online

*pronounces fake like saké*

I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club

Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.

Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.

My doctor wants me to take a stress test.

I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.