Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
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“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️