Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
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[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”
Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”
I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building