hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
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Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Just as the prophecy foretold
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Midwest trash talk
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Her: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby, it’s cold outside
Her: I’m Canadian, I can handle it
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update