Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
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when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
my dad has had enough
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
honk shuah. sleep on that thang
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.