Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.

Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars

Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?

My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”

Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is

Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.

It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.

I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.

Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?

me: what are you going to be when you grow up?

5: beautiful.

ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.

“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”

Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?

Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?

The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.

My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday

judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever

jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam

judas: yo what the f

*Decision made

I was thinking of being narsysistic.

But I can’t spell it.

So I’m going to be vein.

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.

i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle

If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.

in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.

i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM

Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?

Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’

Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t

🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?

My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”

You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.

Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?