Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
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[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Dance like you’re not the father
Where can I get a Medic Alert bracelet that says “not a hugger?”
Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.