Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.

I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.

15: ‘What’s it like being married?’

Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’

If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”

Lie.

please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.

You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.

Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.

[post sex]

Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad

Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?

My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target

i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)

[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya

Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.

My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

waiter: white or red

me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers

Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.

You deplete me

ME: can i start digging?

SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing

[waits an hour]

ME: how about now?

SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology

That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.

You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…

If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.

My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”

*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*

*Sits down triumphantly*

*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*