Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today

Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.

She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago

Her : I like you

Me : You’re mistaken

i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat

Somewhere in an alternate universe

These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times

-me during my whole shift

9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi

“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁

You had ONE job!

– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.

Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….

…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless

Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?

me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison

Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.

For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.

Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.

Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?

The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose

I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

Sure. I lift.

*lifts donut to mouth*

[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*

I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens

Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.

Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”

Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”

Interviewer: “So?”

Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”

How to tell if your kid is doing drugs

1. Are your drugs missing?

Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.

Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.