hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
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ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Perfect
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
never compromise your values
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead