hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
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“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
You wish you had this many chins.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀