Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”

LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone

SERVER: you’re a DOG

Yes, of course I love French films.

Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?

Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.

SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!

– dogs

Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that

*Middle of dinner*

My kid: Can I have a snack?

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.

establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass

If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?

Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild

That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt

– first person to cook a potato

If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.

I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

doctor: jogging will extend your life

me: thanks for the warning

ME: *so high I’m screaming*

WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!

A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.

“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”

Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.

The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.

me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?

me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.

we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds

Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.

The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.