Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces

me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]

There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture

May I pay you handsomely, good sir?

-Why yes you may.

*opens wallet*

*pulls out Ryan Gosling*

anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot

cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong

superman: lmao they’re not on wrong

cop:

superman: wait is this wrong

*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*

[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent

dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river

Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.

Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.

I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.

The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours

If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.

TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left

Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”

ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel

Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???

*boss stops meeting*

Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?

Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.

Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!

Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar

[Job interview]

“How would you describe yourself?”

“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”

“Anything else?”

“Over-literal sometimes.”