Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
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My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day