Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
You Might Also Like
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
My beach vacation Google searches
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.